Am I ready to admit..

So in the last few months there have been a lot of changes going on for me. I tried to purchase a home I loved and lost, started a weight program, moved in with friends, had my work team moved to a different office, purchased a home, changed team members, moved into said home, traveled to Vegas and visited NY, once again became single and been reviewed at work, and helping a friend plan her wedding (not to mention being a bridesmaid). All of this has been happening to me since March. Just writing it down it seems like a lot.

I have been doing all of this while working a 40 – 50 hour work week. In the past few months I have been loosing weight and getting back into my exercise.  This summer I started to play tennis, and found I really liked it. Some things I have handled with grace and others have pushed me over the edge. Two weeks ago the man I was seeing ended our relationship which I was planning on doing myself. I just was going to do it face to face. I was handling that well, only a few sleepless nights here and there. The hardest part is removing that person from your life, reminding yourself that they are not there to share that fact with. That you will not be spending time with them and what you thought had hope, might have really been just something said in the moment or there are lies happening some where.

Last week, was not a very good week. When I have personal problems I will throw myself into work. Not that I am not normally a hard worker. I am very passionate about my job and the projects I am working on. In fact, on most occasions I am sure most of my friends would say I work too much. So last week when I got a review and it was not what I expected it really devastated me. I went from a really great review that happened only six months ago to what I would consider a poor review. This review really just knocked the wind out of me and threw me into a tailspin.

After I spent a day crying and trying to come to terms of what my bosses thought of me and just wondering what the hell am I doing with my life. I went back into work and had some difficult conversations with a few people to straighten out what I felt were misconceptions and failures to communicate. It was rough, but after those conversations I felt better about where I was going and the path that we/I was taking.

I even went away this weekend to remove myself from further drama with before mentioned ex at an event and visited a friend who is like a mom to me. We spent Saturday and Sunday talking and had a blast Saturday night out at a bar listening to a friend of hers sing and I got to hear her sing for the first time. A few pumpkin martinis later and I was having a blast and I slept the night through.

Monday, at work was good and the communication was open and flowing between my co-worker and I. Another one on one with another supervisor explaining some pain points went well and I thought it would help my bosses understand how we work. Go to my weight in and lost two of the four lbs I gained last month and went shopping to get some things for the house. So I thought I was having a good day until I woke up this morning at 3.30 and couldn’t go back to bed for hours.

Today, at work I felt things were going well again. My co-worker and I put forth our plan to take a meeting with little purpose and revamp it to explain any miscommunications that we felt were happening. I was learning some new technology to me and figuring it out. Then another bomb dropped. One of the conversations I had last week to help me understand my review went through the VP grapevine all the way down to my boss, who my second boss told me was going to have a one on one with me about it.  Up went my blood pressure again, which causes me to be flushed and agitated.

I do not like the fact that VPs in my company and then my bosses were talking about me. Because I don’t think that it was done in a glowing manner. One of the things I need to work on is to be less abrasive, but this whole thing is making me feel attacked and put on the defensive. The whole thing is smelling of politics, which I don’t handle well. I like to be upfront and honest even if that is seen as harsh.

So after I clocked my eight hours I headed over to the gym and signed up. Another part of my review was that I needed a healthy outlet for my stress level. I ask you, is that really professional? When part of the reason my stress level is high is because of the work that I do and the time that we are to do it in. I have not wanted to spend the money on the gym but with the weather change and the lack of day light after work I felt I had to.  I need a place I can go to just beat up something or sweat out my frustrations.  It will help my mood, help me loose more weight and hopefully help me with some stress relief, and make me so tired that I will want to sleep.

Yet here I am, at midnight still wide awake. I came home, sweaty, tired and hungry. I fed myself, relaxed on the couch watching tv before the fire and snuggled with the boys. Then I decided I needed to do some things around the house. Swapped out some outlet covers, put up a plant hook and moved a plant from outdoors to in and cleaned up some rooms and I wasn’t tired.

Yesterday talking with the weight clinic one of the topics was maybe I should think about taking some medications. It would help with food cravings and for some people their moods. I use to be on an anti depressant. I needed to be on it, and it took me years to get off of it. When I finally was able to get off of it and not be a crazy person it was one of the best things. I was so happy, and that was over six years ago now. I don’t know if I want to go back on any meds to help me with the dark times I have been having.

For me personally it makes me feel weak. I should be able to handle what life is throwing at me. In the scheme of things dealing with a break up and a bad review should not break me. There are much worse things that could happen and I don’t want to have happen. I should be happy, I am a first time home buyer of a really good house which I have been in since August. I still have not had a house warming party. I have hardly had anyone over and that is just not me.

But am I ready to admit that I need help? I honestly don’t know.

Eating Habit Reform.. since Diet is a bad word

About a month ago (roughly a week before I had to start packing) I had an appointment for at a weight loss clinic. They are for healthy living and weight loss. It is my last ditch effort to try and loose the weight that I had gained after getting off of low carb (and if I am lucky), I will loose more and be able to keep it off.

So.. I am to change how I eat. I need to start eating six times a day. Six times!! I hardly have time for three! And they want me to eat fruit and snacks! Who ever heard of such things. Oh.. and I haven’t mentioned the kicker. I am to drink water, lots and lots of water. I don’t believe I have ever mentioned how much I loathe plan water (because oh no.. you can’t add mixins).

On top of all that I need to get blood work done and I am to exercise more than I am now. Not that I am exercising in the way they want right now (does lifting boxes count as lifting weights?).  And everything I eat needs to be under 1100 calories a day.

It has been one hell of a month, let me tell you. But I have tried to eat more meals a day and I have cut down on what I have been eating. Stress also helps me in weight gain. Because I am a strange eater, when I first start to get stressed I want to eat, but then when the real stress starts I just can’t eat.

I’m not sure what that means, but that is just the way it is. Anyways, I have tried to eat between four and five times a day. It is hard to remember that afternoon snack and the night snack I am suppose to have? I already took that off of the table, I just can’t eat a night snack.

My water intake has increased with the help of lemons. It, of course, is killing my work schedule because I have to take more potty breaks. But that might have evened itself out finally.

Total weight loss so far? Around 8 lbs on my scales.

I was doing really well before I took my week off to pack and now I am trying to get back into the swing of it. But my schedule and routine is very off because I don’t have all of my things and I have really been food shopping because I just don’t have that much room to do so.

I have been trying to keep my food intake okay. I know it hasn’t been great, but I still seem to be loosing weight. If I get a burger, I am only eating half of it and saving the other half for later. The same with sandwiches or subs.

Next I need to start exercising again. I no longer have the treadmill so I need to get my butt in gear and walk after work. One thing they did want me to do was sit on a ball for balance. This is suppose to help my core muscles. It doesn’t feel like I am doing much when I do it, but we will see.

I have two goals, one is to get down to 180 and the second is to get down to 150. I have gotten close to the 180 mark before (I was 185 for about a week.I swear lol). So that is what I am aiming for. Right now I only have 11 lbs to get there.

Wish me luck!

Today is my Dad’s Birthday..

and he spent the day in the hospital getting tests because he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He called me last week to let me know and during the last few days I have been trying to wrap my head around it and be positive about it. This is something that runs in my father’s family and he has images in his mind of his father and grandfather who suffered through the same thing.

I know that the most of my readers (if any) are probably not males that are in the age range to get their prostates checked but if you are, don’t delay. I know it is not the most enjoyable thing in the world but it is better to catch it early then to not catch it at all.

When my father called me with the news I started to cry because no matter how I would love to deny it, I am a Daddy’s girl. I have been since I was little, it was something that caused me pain in my teen years because I was treated like Daddy’s only and when I saw him going down a path that I knew was wrong and I couldn’t stop it, it caused friction between the two of us. So for a number of years I gave my father space so that he could find his own way, and I would not be hurt in the process.

When I was in my early 20’s I had emergency gall bladder surgery (another wonderful family trait) and that brought my father and I into talking again. In the process of us becoming close, I have found (to my pleasure) that I am a lot like my dad. We both enjoy our gardens and find our center when we are playing in the dirt. We also both take pride in our homes and enjoy being with our friends. I have picked up his no-stress attitude (even thought it fights with my urge to plan).

So while I was on the phone with him he is explaining what is happening and all I wanted was to be with him. I am find that it is very difficult for me to be here in NY and have him in FL. The only saving grace is that my brother is only a couple of hours from him and can be with him quickly, also that his wife is there and she is a no-nonsense type of woman and will let me know when I need to be done there.

I am finding this waiting game to be painful. Having work be so crazy is a bonus right now because it is helping keep my mind not totally focused on my dad.

I am not much for prayers, but I am trying to keep positive and have thoughts of my father in a healing white light. For those of you who have experienced family members with cancer or are going through it right now. I wish you the best and hope that things turn out for the best.

While my relationship with my family has not always been the best. I do love my Dad and know that he has not had the easiest life, but then again not many have. He has not let that put him down, or drag him into places that some go and can never get away from. He tries to move away from it and not let his past hinder his future. He is a goofy man, but I love him.