Am I ready to admit..

So in the last few months there have been a lot of changes going on for me. I tried to purchase a home I loved and lost, started a weight program, moved in with friends, had my work team moved to a different office, purchased a home, changed team members, moved into said home, traveled to Vegas and visited NY, once again became single and been reviewed at work, and helping a friend plan her wedding (not to mention being a bridesmaid). All of this has been happening to me since March. Just writing it down it seems like a lot.

I have been doing all of this while working a 40 – 50 hour work week. In the past few months I have been loosing weight and getting back into my exercise.  This summer I started to play tennis, and found I really liked it. Some things I have handled with grace and others have pushed me over the edge. Two weeks ago the man I was seeing ended our relationship which I was planning on doing myself. I just was going to do it face to face. I was handling that well, only a few sleepless nights here and there. The hardest part is removing that person from your life, reminding yourself that they are not there to share that fact with. That you will not be spending time with them and what you thought had hope, might have really been just something said in the moment or there are lies happening some where.

Last week, was not a very good week. When I have personal problems I will throw myself into work. Not that I am not normally a hard worker. I am very passionate about my job and the projects I am working on. In fact, on most occasions I am sure most of my friends would say I work too much. So last week when I got a review and it was not what I expected it really devastated me. I went from a really great review that happened only six months ago to what I would consider a poor review. This review really just knocked the wind out of me and threw me into a tailspin.

After I spent a day crying and trying to come to terms of what my bosses thought of me and just wondering what the hell am I doing with my life. I went back into work and had some difficult conversations with a few people to straighten out what I felt were misconceptions and failures to communicate. It was rough, but after those conversations I felt better about where I was going and the path that we/I was taking.

I even went away this weekend to remove myself from further drama with before mentioned ex at an event and visited a friend who is like a mom to me. We spent Saturday and Sunday talking and had a blast Saturday night out at a bar listening to a friend of hers sing and I got to hear her sing for the first time. A few pumpkin martinis later and I was having a blast and I slept the night through.

Monday, at work was good and the communication was open and flowing between my co-worker and I. Another one on one with another supervisor explaining some pain points went well and I thought it would help my bosses understand how we work. Go to my weight in and lost two of the four lbs I gained last month and went shopping to get some things for the house. So I thought I was having a good day until I woke up this morning at 3.30 and couldn’t go back to bed for hours.

Today, at work I felt things were going well again. My co-worker and I put forth our plan to take a meeting with little purpose and revamp it to explain any miscommunications that we felt were happening. I was learning some new technology to me and figuring it out. Then another bomb dropped. One of the conversations I had last week to help me understand my review went through the VP grapevine all the way down to my boss, who my second boss told me was going to have a one on one with me about it.  Up went my blood pressure again, which causes me to be flushed and agitated.

I do not like the fact that VPs in my company and then my bosses were talking about me. Because I don’t think that it was done in a glowing manner. One of the things I need to work on is to be less abrasive, but this whole thing is making me feel attacked and put on the defensive. The whole thing is smelling of politics, which I don’t handle well. I like to be upfront and honest even if that is seen as harsh.

So after I clocked my eight hours I headed over to the gym and signed up. Another part of my review was that I needed a healthy outlet for my stress level. I ask you, is that really professional? When part of the reason my stress level is high is because of the work that I do and the time that we are to do it in. I have not wanted to spend the money on the gym but with the weather change and the lack of day light after work I felt I had to.  I need a place I can go to just beat up something or sweat out my frustrations.  It will help my mood, help me loose more weight and hopefully help me with some stress relief, and make me so tired that I will want to sleep.

Yet here I am, at midnight still wide awake. I came home, sweaty, tired and hungry. I fed myself, relaxed on the couch watching tv before the fire and snuggled with the boys. Then I decided I needed to do some things around the house. Swapped out some outlet covers, put up a plant hook and moved a plant from outdoors to in and cleaned up some rooms and I wasn’t tired.

Yesterday talking with the weight clinic one of the topics was maybe I should think about taking some medications. It would help with food cravings and for some people their moods. I use to be on an anti depressant. I needed to be on it, and it took me years to get off of it. When I finally was able to get off of it and not be a crazy person it was one of the best things. I was so happy, and that was over six years ago now. I don’t know if I want to go back on any meds to help me with the dark times I have been having.

For me personally it makes me feel weak. I should be able to handle what life is throwing at me. In the scheme of things dealing with a break up and a bad review should not break me. There are much worse things that could happen and I don’t want to have happen. I should be happy, I am a first time home buyer of a really good house which I have been in since August. I still have not had a house warming party. I have hardly had anyone over and that is just not me.

But am I ready to admit that I need help? I honestly don’t know.

Going outside of my comfort zone…

For the last six months or so I had been in a relationship with a man that pushed many of my boundaries. One of which was being in a poly relationship. I have never wanted to be in a poly relationship, I am a monogamous person. But I enjoyed his company and I was willing to try it.

What I have learned from that experience is that I do not care to be in a poly relationship. I do not think it is fair or right for someone else to manipulate my time with my partner. While this may not always happen when people are in poly relationships, if people cannot set their jealousy aside and respect if not the other person in the party but their partner’s wants then it can never work.

So I am sure in my believe that I do not want to share my partner. I want him to be with me, and me alone. And the only thing that drags his attention and time away from me is work, family and friends.

Now I am back to being single and trying to find the right person for me.

Eating Habit Reform.. since Diet is a bad word

About a month ago (roughly a week before I had to start packing) I had an appointment for at a weight loss clinic. They are for healthy living and weight loss. It is my last ditch effort to try and loose the weight that I had gained after getting off of low carb (and if I am lucky), I will loose more and be able to keep it off.

So.. I am to change how I eat. I need to start eating six times a day. Six times!! I hardly have time for three! And they want me to eat fruit and snacks! Who ever heard of such things. Oh.. and I haven’t mentioned the kicker. I am to drink water, lots and lots of water. I don’t believe I have ever mentioned how much I loathe plan water (because oh no.. you can’t add mixins).

On top of all that I need to get blood work done and I am to exercise more than I am now. Not that I am exercising in the way they want right now (does lifting boxes count as lifting weights?).  And everything I eat needs to be under 1100 calories a day.

It has been one hell of a month, let me tell you. But I have tried to eat more meals a day and I have cut down on what I have been eating. Stress also helps me in weight gain. Because I am a strange eater, when I first start to get stressed I want to eat, but then when the real stress starts I just can’t eat.

I’m not sure what that means, but that is just the way it is. Anyways, I have tried to eat between four and five times a day. It is hard to remember that afternoon snack and the night snack I am suppose to have? I already took that off of the table, I just can’t eat a night snack.

My water intake has increased with the help of lemons. It, of course, is killing my work schedule because I have to take more potty breaks. But that might have evened itself out finally.

Total weight loss so far? Around 8 lbs on my scales.

I was doing really well before I took my week off to pack and now I am trying to get back into the swing of it. But my schedule and routine is very off because I don’t have all of my things and I have really been food shopping because I just don’t have that much room to do so.

I have been trying to keep my food intake okay. I know it hasn’t been great, but I still seem to be loosing weight. If I get a burger, I am only eating half of it and saving the other half for later. The same with sandwiches or subs.

Next I need to start exercising again. I no longer have the treadmill so I need to get my butt in gear and walk after work. One thing they did want me to do was sit on a ball for balance. This is suppose to help my core muscles. It doesn’t feel like I am doing much when I do it, but we will see.

I have two goals, one is to get down to 180 and the second is to get down to 150. I have gotten close to the 180 mark before (I was 185 for about a week.I swear lol). So that is what I am aiming for. Right now I only have 11 lbs to get there.

Wish me luck!

Changes.. Again

I am sorry for the silence during the last few months but it seems that lately every day brings a different change to my life. Since I last wrote, I went from trying to purchase the house I was living in, to moving out in three weeks and staying with friends while I try to find my/our new home.

It has been a roller coaster of an experience and one with a lot of learning with it. House values, taxes, closing costs, trying to find a place that has everything on your list. On top of it all packing up your home and saying goodbye to a place that you thought you would be living in for a long time.

That in itself has turned into a nightmare. Dealing with a person who has never been a landlord before has turned into a hot mess. It makes me realize that I truly no longer want to rent a house or an apartment. I want a place that I can call my own. That after thirty years will be mine and I have something to show for the money I have put into it.

After some searching, I think I have found three potential new homes. Right now I am just waiting a little bit to see what my future holds before I start to make the final decision and start the bidding process. I am not one to make bets, and this whole process of bidding for a house makes me uneasy. But I am being told that it is all part of the game.

Just the two of us..

So it has been a little over a week since I have been in Florida and helping my dad after his surgery. It is Sunday, so of course it is football day, and I figured this is the best time for me to spend some time on my laptop because I just LOVE football *rolls eyes*.

My first day in FL, my brother picked me up at the airport and away we went to pick up our dad from the hospital. I still am amazed that a day after surgery he was being discharged, but the nurses I know have informed me that a patient heals better at home than in a hospital. They are less likely to get an infection at home than there as well. I am still not sure how I feel about this.

The first few days were okay, dad was just uncomfortable. Then on Sunday we had to rush to the hospital because he has a complication. That was a rocky and revealing day for my brother and I. After his procedure again, we were heading out of the hospital. I swear, it really amazed me.

Then on Monday night my brother headed out and it was just me and my dad. We have slowly gotten into a pattern. He is still uncomfortable but he is here. So I am okay with him being uncomfortable. Tomorrow, he heads back to the doctors and hopefully, things (a catheter) will be removed and he will be able to start moving about without being in pain.

While I am sad about why I am down here, I am glad that I could be here with my dad. During the last week, I have had a few cooking adventures as well. Soon, I will be posting about my stuffed peppers (I just need to make them right).

Be well everyone!

Allowing myself to be emotional

One of the things that I have come to realize about myself is while I try to fight it I can be a very emotional person. When I hear bad news or experience something unpleasant it is not something that I can hide. I find that right away my emotions get the best of me and I will start to cry as I am also trying to stop the tears and bottle up my emotions. This does not always happen (if at all) and usually just makes me cry more.

I have come to find that after I get the bad news, and I try to process it, it is very difficult for me to stop and not over think the situation. The latest example of this was last friday (after my Dad called and told me his news). That night, I spoke with my best friend and tried to get myself together so that I could be strong for my dad. But the next day, everyone could tell that I was upset and when everyone would ask me about it I would explain what was going on and start to cry a little.

In the past few years I have been trying to understand Energy and those that can feel it. Recently, I spoke with people who understand and work with Energy and one of the things that they wanted me to work on was to not be so “big”. One of the things that I have found about myself is that I never can be “down” or quiet without everyone asking me what is wrong. One of the reasons for that is because my persona or energy is so big and vibrant that people instantly notice when I am not feeling “on”.

Also, when I feel like I am not “on” I feel like I should not go out of the house. I have often said that I just don’t feel like being “willow” today and dealing with people. They suggested that one of the things that I should do is go out when I feel like that so that people can experience the other sides of me. That I need to know that it is okay to be with certain people when I am not feeling “on”.

Work is one of those places where I have no choice, no matter what is going on I need to go into work whether I am “on” or off. Depending what is going on with me people just seem to know if I am “on” or not and always try to make me laugh or smile.

Before I would try and bottle up my emotions and not show them as the years have passed I have found that this is hard for me to do. In the past few days I have thought about it and decided that it is okay to show my emotions. While I may not always like it, it usually only happens when something has happened in my life that is very wrong and I just cannot bounce back from the news as quickly as I would like.

The two things that I have found that I need to do is breathe, which may sound odd but for me when I get into a state, my mind just seems to swirl and go right out of control. So for me, taking that breath, is one way for me to try and calm my mind and the thoughts that are racing through it. Another thing that I am working on is taking things in small baby steps. I tend to jump to the big picture, which can be overwhelming. If I just allow myself to focus on one problem at a time I don’t get so crazy and can usually solve the problem.

These are two items that help me in my personal as well as professional life. Right now I am just trying to breath and only focus on one aspect of what is going on with my dad. Instead of driving myself crazy with all of the what ifs. This, of course, is harder said than done, but wish me the best of luck!

Today is my Dad’s Birthday..

and he spent the day in the hospital getting tests because he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He called me last week to let me know and during the last few days I have been trying to wrap my head around it and be positive about it. This is something that runs in my father’s family and he has images in his mind of his father and grandfather who suffered through the same thing.

I know that the most of my readers (if any) are probably not males that are in the age range to get their prostates checked but if you are, don’t delay. I know it is not the most enjoyable thing in the world but it is better to catch it early then to not catch it at all.

When my father called me with the news I started to cry because no matter how I would love to deny it, I am a Daddy’s girl. I have been since I was little, it was something that caused me pain in my teen years because I was treated like Daddy’s only and when I saw him going down a path that I knew was wrong and I couldn’t stop it, it caused friction between the two of us. So for a number of years I gave my father space so that he could find his own way, and I would not be hurt in the process.

When I was in my early 20’s I had emergency gall bladder surgery (another wonderful family trait) and that brought my father and I into talking again. In the process of us becoming close, I have found (to my pleasure) that I am a lot like my dad. We both enjoy our gardens and find our center when we are playing in the dirt. We also both take pride in our homes and enjoy being with our friends. I have picked up his no-stress attitude (even thought it fights with my urge to plan).

So while I was on the phone with him he is explaining what is happening and all I wanted was to be with him. I am find that it is very difficult for me to be here in NY and have him in FL. The only saving grace is that my brother is only a couple of hours from him and can be with him quickly, also that his wife is there and she is a no-nonsense type of woman and will let me know when I need to be done there.

I am finding this waiting game to be painful. Having work be so crazy is a bonus right now because it is helping keep my mind not totally focused on my dad.

I am not much for prayers, but I am trying to keep positive and have thoughts of my father in a healing white light. For those of you who have experienced family members with cancer or are going through it right now. I wish you the best and hope that things turn out for the best.

While my relationship with my family has not always been the best. I do love my Dad and know that he has not had the easiest life, but then again not many have. He has not let that put him down, or drag him into places that some go and can never get away from. He tries to move away from it and not let his past hinder his future. He is a goofy man, but I love him.

Challenging myself… Wall Climbing

So today I went with a few co-workers/friends to The Edge Halfmoon which is a wall climbing and adventure business. I have been wanting to do wall climbing ever since my high school built a wall in the gym. By that time I was working there and did not want to make a fool of myself in front of the students. Oh, and heights and me do not always get along.

A few weeks ago my boss told me about the outing and I asked if I could join, which I think shocked her. I like to say that I am a hobbit. Once the nice weather hits I am usually outside in my garden, bare foot and enjoying the sunshine. I am also a very short person who enjoys tea and eating lol though I will say that I do not have ” What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper?” Hobbits like to stay close to the ground we do not normally climb.

But today this hobbit climbed a wall. I wanted to get to the top but I was unable to because I was so nervous that my hands were sweating. I was about a foot from the top and I so wanted to get to the top but I was so proud of myself from where I got and I did it twice. I had to do the easy wall because some of the other walls I just couldn’t do.

Everyone usually has a list of things they would like to do in their lives. This was one of them for me and I am really happy and proud of myself that I did it.

two steps forward… four steps back…

So this week has been a rough one. It wasn’t something that I was expecting or something that I wanted. Emotionally, I have been feeling okay and trying to move forward. But last week was my ex’s graduation from college for his two year degree and I didn’t realize how much it would affect me.

I have found that when you are a couple living together and one of you is going to school (and only working part-time) that it is a team effort. One that we both worked towards for almost two years. I was so proud of him and what he accomplished and in the end while he was walking on the stage to get his diploma I was feeling used and left behind. This week the one phase that has been running through my mind is that I do not want to be a stepping stone on a person’s path in life, I want to be a part of the end destination.

On top of that my father called to let me know he just got out of the hospital. My dad lives in FL and he doesn’t like people to worry about him so he doesn’t want to tell me (or my brother) that serious things are going on. So I have been worried about him and trying to figure out if I should go down to see him and/or if I should move down to be with him.

One of the things that I have not liked about this week is that I have been doubting what I want. With my ex leaving and living in my house alone and my dad not feeling that great I have been questioning on if the path I am on is right. And that makes me angry and sad because three months ago I was not questioning my path. I was happy on it and felt it was the right thing for me.

I am mad that my ex has made me question my path. That I now have to stress even more than before about money. That I do feel used, that the person I lived with and thought I knew either has changed or was never the person I thought he was. Right now, the only thing I know is that my home makes me happy and sometimes sad but more often than not I am happy here. So I am going to try my best to stay here and make it completely my own.

Women and Roses..

Today I was out pruning my roses and I started to think about roses and women. Roses come in many types, many different colors and can be comfortable to fancy. They are covered in thorns, but stand regal and proud when they are in bloom.

They remind me of women because often times (at least for myself) I feel that I protect myself with a hard outer shell that tries to keep those who wish harm away, much like a roses’ thorns keep people from touching them. If you are not cautious a roses thorns can either scratch you or ensnare you getting you trapped within the thorns and branches. For good or bad a woman can do that to those around her. We can be direct and if you get too close we will lash out. Or we can let you in for a moment and then entrap you with our sharp words or unnatural/unhealthy thoughts and fears.

To keep a rose happy and healthy it needs to be pruned and pampered. A women also need to remember to take the time to take care of themselves and pamper themselves which is something I cannot believe I am saying but it is true. When we do that it, helps us feel beautiful and makes us want to stand proud and be fawned over much like you do when you see a beautiful rose. What I think may stop many women from doing this (even though it may help us feel good about ourselves and help us feel sexy) is that it can feel selfish to take the time out of the day or away from the budget to spend it on yourself for a mani/pedi. Or to get a facial.

This thought reminds me of a story about relationships called The Garden which talks about how you need to care for a garden and its many different flowers and that each flower can help the other but without protection and guidance it can grow wild and become damaged.