So in the last few months there have been a lot of changes going on for me. I tried to purchase a home I loved and lost, started a weight program, moved in with friends, had my work team moved to a different office, purchased a home, changed team members, moved into said home, traveled to Vegas and visited NY, once again became single and been reviewed at work, and helping a friend plan her wedding (not to mention being a bridesmaid). All of this has been happening to me since March. Just writing it down it seems like a lot.
I have been doing all of this while working a 40 – 50 hour work week. In the past few months I have been loosing weight and getting back into my exercise. This summer I started to play tennis, and found I really liked it. Some things I have handled with grace and others have pushed me over the edge. Two weeks ago the man I was seeing ended our relationship which I was planning on doing myself. I just was going to do it face to face. I was handling that well, only a few sleepless nights here and there. The hardest part is removing that person from your life, reminding yourself that they are not there to share that fact with. That you will not be spending time with them and what you thought had hope, might have really been just something said in the moment or there are lies happening some where.
Last week, was not a very good week. When I have personal problems I will throw myself into work. Not that I am not normally a hard worker. I am very passionate about my job and the projects I am working on. In fact, on most occasions I am sure most of my friends would say I work too much. So last week when I got a review and it was not what I expected it really devastated me. I went from a really great review that happened only six months ago to what I would consider a poor review. This review really just knocked the wind out of me and threw me into a tailspin.
After I spent a day crying and trying to come to terms of what my bosses thought of me and just wondering what the hell am I doing with my life. I went back into work and had some difficult conversations with a few people to straighten out what I felt were misconceptions and failures to communicate. It was rough, but after those conversations I felt better about where I was going and the path that we/I was taking.
I even went away this weekend to remove myself from further drama with before mentioned ex at an event and visited a friend who is like a mom to me. We spent Saturday and Sunday talking and had a blast Saturday night out at a bar listening to a friend of hers sing and I got to hear her sing for the first time. A few pumpkin martinis later and I was having a blast and I slept the night through.
Monday, at work was good and the communication was open and flowing between my co-worker and I. Another one on one with another supervisor explaining some pain points went well and I thought it would help my bosses understand how we work. Go to my weight in and lost two of the four lbs I gained last month and went shopping to get some things for the house. So I thought I was having a good day until I woke up this morning at 3.30 and couldn’t go back to bed for hours.
Today, at work I felt things were going well again. My co-worker and I put forth our plan to take a meeting with little purpose and revamp it to explain any miscommunications that we felt were happening. I was learning some new technology to me and figuring it out. Then another bomb dropped. One of the conversations I had last week to help me understand my review went through the VP grapevine all the way down to my boss, who my second boss told me was going to have a one on one with me about it. Up went my blood pressure again, which causes me to be flushed and agitated.
I do not like the fact that VPs in my company and then my bosses were talking about me. Because I don’t think that it was done in a glowing manner. One of the things I need to work on is to be less abrasive, but this whole thing is making me feel attacked and put on the defensive. The whole thing is smelling of politics, which I don’t handle well. I like to be upfront and honest even if that is seen as harsh.
So after I clocked my eight hours I headed over to the gym and signed up. Another part of my review was that I needed a healthy outlet for my stress level. I ask you, is that really professional? When part of the reason my stress level is high is because of the work that I do and the time that we are to do it in. I have not wanted to spend the money on the gym but with the weather change and the lack of day light after work I felt I had to. I need a place I can go to just beat up something or sweat out my frustrations. It will help my mood, help me loose more weight and hopefully help me with some stress relief, and make me so tired that I will want to sleep.
Yet here I am, at midnight still wide awake. I came home, sweaty, tired and hungry. I fed myself, relaxed on the couch watching tv before the fire and snuggled with the boys. Then I decided I needed to do some things around the house. Swapped out some outlet covers, put up a plant hook and moved a plant from outdoors to in and cleaned up some rooms and I wasn’t tired.
Yesterday talking with the weight clinic one of the topics was maybe I should think about taking some medications. It would help with food cravings and for some people their moods. I use to be on an anti depressant. I needed to be on it, and it took me years to get off of it. When I finally was able to get off of it and not be a crazy person it was one of the best things. I was so happy, and that was over six years ago now. I don’t know if I want to go back on any meds to help me with the dark times I have been having.
For me personally it makes me feel weak. I should be able to handle what life is throwing at me. In the scheme of things dealing with a break up and a bad review should not break me. There are much worse things that could happen and I don’t want to have happen. I should be happy, I am a first time home buyer of a really good house which I have been in since August. I still have not had a house warming party. I have hardly had anyone over and that is just not me.
But am I ready to admit that I need help? I honestly don’t know.